The Best Chuck Norris Quotes/ Jokes! *Click ME* or Talk to Chuck!

The Best Chuck Norris Quotes/ Jokes
Posted on August 22nd, 2008
imnotadoctor 103 comments

Below is a list of what I think are the best Chuck Norris Quotes/ Jokes:
- Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands, shortly after they renamed them the Islands.
- Chuck Norris once bones the Mona Lisa, which is why she smiles.
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.
- Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
- Chuck Norris flosses with barbed wire.
- Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.
- Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.
- Chuck Norris drives Optimus Prime to work.
- Chuck Norris once defeated a laser beam in a the hundred-meter dash.
- Chuck Norris invented the internet so people could talk about how great Chuck Norris is.
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103 responses to “The Best Chuck Norris Quotes/ Jokes”
1. HIFIsamurai August 22nd, 2008 at 10:19
  
  Usain Bolt in cocky mofo and needs to be thrown around once or twice by Chuck Norris!
2. seosurvivor August 22nd, 2008 at 10:58
  
  Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. stumpy September 30th, 2008 at 20:46
  
  chuck norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle>>>>>>>>>>>>>
4. stan October 25th, 2008 at 13:22
  
  If you have 5 dollars and Chuck Norris has 5 dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you
5. pud November 6th, 2008 at 11:05
  
  if you want to find out wat chuck norris’s enemys are look at the extinction list
6. lee an whippy December 27th, 2008 at 06:17
  
  jesus may be able to walk on water but ..chuck norris can swim through solid land!
7. lee an whippy December 27th, 2008 at 06:19
  
  chuck norris CAN talk about fight club!
8. lee an whippy December 27th, 2008 at 06:19
  
  chuck norris kicked a rock once… we now call that rock THE MOON!
9. lee an whippy December 27th, 2008 at 06:22
  
  chuck norris dosent wear condoms.. there is no protection from chuck norris!
10. lee an whippy December 27th, 2008 at 06:23
  
  the film was gonna be called alien & predator vs chuck norris…but no ones goin to watch a film that lasts 14 seconds!
11. lee an whippy December 27th, 2008 at 06:24
  
  chuck norris once built a plane out of 2 paper clips and some gum!
12. lee an whippy December 27th, 2008 at 06:26
  
  if chuck norris is running late .. time better slow the fuck down!
13. lee an whippy December 27th, 2008 at 06:29
  
  chuck norris was one of the original wise men .. he gave jesus a beard…the other 3 wise men were so jealous they voted to kick him out of the bible … shortly after the 3 wise men mysterously died from roundhouse kicks to the face!
14. lee an whippy December 27th, 2008 at 06:37
  
  chuck norris died 10 years ago … the grim reaper hasnt got the balls to tell him!
15. Brett Jones March 4th, 2009 at 12:57
  
  chuck norris lost both his legs in a car crash and still managed to walk it off
16. Hannah March 6th, 2009 at 13:51
  
  When the boogeyman goes to bed every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
17. Chuck-a-nator March 10th, 2009 at 22:46
  
  Chuck Norris woke up next to Mr T, we all know who the bitch was.
18. Chuck-a-nator March 10th, 2009 at 22:47
  
  When Chuck Norris squats WE all shit.
19. chuck norris March 13th, 2009 at 14:58
  
  When Chuck Norris jumped into a pool Chuck Norris did not get wet, the pool got Chuck Norrised
20. chuck norris March 13th, 2009 at 15:00
  
  who would u be more afried of:100 of the best snipers or chuck norris with a b-b gun……email me at jagex12345@gmail.com with ur awnser
21. Chuck Norris March 14th, 2009 at 10:22
  
  YALL ALL NEED TO SHUT UP AND STOP TALKONG ABOUT ME FUNNY U ALL ARE SO STUBID MIGITS SO STOP IT AND I MEAN
22. Damen April 8th, 2009 at 18:47
  
  the devil is in hell, chuck noris sent him there
23. Chuck Norris April 28th, 2009 at 13:52
  
  You have angered me. I’ll give you all three minutes too appease me before I roundhouse the back of your face. I just got done taking a shit that backed up half of the Las Angeles sewer grid and wiped with the American flag. Why the American flag you may ask? Because it owes me that’s why. I founded this country after I shimmied an ak-47 out of a lunchroom straw and a few pieces of notebook paper. I then beheaded the king with a raise of my eyebrow while pounding his mom and wife at the same time. Don’t question me.
24. d proffitt May 2nd, 2009 at 15:33
  
  when u stare at the american flag long enough,a 3d image of chuck norris appears.
25. Kris May 2nd, 2009 at 18:20
  
  time only flies because chuck norris throws it
26. Kris May 2nd, 2009 at 18:28
  
  u could never beat chuch norris in a thumb wrestiling contest his thumb would roundhouse kick your thumb in the face because he said so
27. Kris May 2nd, 2009 at 18:31
  
  evil is a pimple on the butt of chuck norris
28. Kris May 2nd, 2009 at 18:37
  
  chuck norris swallows thunder and shits lightning every morining instead of coffee
29. Kris May 2nd, 2009 at 18:41
  
  chuck norris beat medussa in a staring contest
30. Kris May 2nd, 2009 at 18:46
  
  bruce lee did not kill chuck norris he just felt like taking a breather
31. blake May 3rd, 2009 at 18:21
  
  chuck norris can run so fast he can run around the world an punch him self in the back of the head
32. Dylan May 4th, 2009 at 18:47
  
  Chuck Norris doesnt have heart attacks, his heart isnt foolish enough to attack him
33. MacGyver May 5th, 2009 at 02:19
  
  chuck norris once scored a 3… in netball.
34. ArrEss May 5th, 2009 at 14:32
  
  Spike TV found Chuck Norris to be the Deadliest Warrior” EVER!
35. ArrEss May 5th, 2009 at 14:34
  
  Afgahni Cush smokes hair from Chuck Norris’ beard to get high
36. ArrEss May 5th, 2009 at 14:36
  
  Chuck Norris jumped into “The Pit” in 300 to make sure everyone down there was dead
37. Cody g May 7th, 2009 at 08:37
  
  Thomas jefferson once sayed all men are created equal then in a split second he saw a fatel roundhouse kick to the face and now the declartion says Chuck norris is above all men
38. The suit May 13th, 2009 at 02:00
  
  Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits!
39. ADAM GROVES May 13th, 2009 at 05:18
  
  GIRAFFE’S DID’NT EXIST UNTILL CHUCK NORRIS UPPERCUTTED A HORSE!!!!! FACT
40. the overtaker May 15th, 2009 at 13:53
  
  Ford wasn’t built tuff chuck norris was
41. BTN May 21st, 2009 at 15:33
  
  FUCK OFF ITS GAME OVER
42. CM May 25th, 2009 at 01:35
  
  Chuck Norris was given a lego playset at the age of 5. The Great Wall of China still stands to this very day.
  
  Chuck Norris can set fire to ants using a magnifying glass. On A Cloudy Night!
43. imafirinmahlazor May 26th, 2009 at 09:00
  
  Only Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi! XD
44. imafirinmahlazor May 26th, 2009 at 09:04
  
  Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding
45. imafirinmahlazor May 26th, 2009 at 09:06
  
  Chuck Norris doesn’t walk up the stairs, the stairs walk up for Chuck Norris.
46. imafirinmahlazor May 26th, 2009 at 09:07
  
  Bowser is Chuck Norris’s pet turtle XD
47. imafirinmahlazor May 26th, 2009 at 09:08
  
  Chuck Norris can beat Abraham Lincoln in an arm wrestling contest…. all he has to do is shoop da whoop him in the face!
48. imafirinmahlazor May 26th, 2009 at 09:09
  
  Chuck Norris can make mashed potatoes by looking at them
49. imafirinmahlazor May 26th, 2009 at 09:10
  
  Chuck Norris can swim faster than Michael Phelps………and smoke moar weed
50. imafirinmahlazor May 26th, 2009 at 09:11
  
  Chuck Norris is the reason why we have a leap year
51. josh May 27th, 2009 at 14:12
  
  chuck norris ran round the world then punched himself in the head
52. holli May 29th, 2009 at 15:04
  
  chuck norris gets 99 cents everytine he litsens to a song on itunes.
  
  chuck norris CAN sneeze with his eyes open.
  
  chuck norris DOES know wat willis is talking about.
  
  chuck norris lost his virginity before his dad.
  
  chuck norris had the idea to sell his urine in a can we know this as red bull.
  
  chuck norris ordered a big mac at burger kning … and got one.
  
  chuck norris CAN slam a revolving door.
  
  chuck norris counted to infinity twice.
  
  chuck norris shaves by kicking himself in the face because the only thing that can cut chuck norris is chuck norris.
  
  only two things can cut dimonds, other dimonds and chuck norris.
  
  chuck norris is not man nor woman his gender is chuck norris.
  
  chuck norris can kill you just by looking at you.
  
  chuck norris doent read books he stares at the book and the information seeps out of it in terror.
  
  chuck norris doesnt syle his hair it sits perfectly on his head out of shear terror.
  
  the oly letters on chuck norris’s computer is chuck and norris nuff said.
  
  chuck norris is wat willis is talking about.
  
  chuck does not wear watches he decides what time it is. period.
53. holli May 29th, 2009 at 15:06
  
  chuck norris. nuff said.
54. sac May 30th, 2009 at 08:16
  
  chuck norris doesn’t get hung like a horse, horses get hung like chuck norris
55. shawn June 3rd, 2009 at 00:20
  
  When Chuck Norris does push ups the earth goes down,instead of him going up
56. rOCk On June 4th, 2009 at 15:19
  
  Chuck Norris doesn’t read. He just stares at the book until it gives up it’s information.
57. rOCk On June 4th, 2009 at 15:19
  
  It is said that Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer, trouble is, the bastard never cries.
58. luke rochelle June 6th, 2009 at 17:39
  
  chuck norris died 10 days ago in a freak heart attack , but unfortunatly the grim reaper dare not tell him
59. chuck norris June 14th, 2009 at 05:25
  
  i rule…
60. The main Man June 14th, 2009 at 10:29
  
  A man walked up to chuck norris and asked chuck to list a 100 cool things chuck norris can do….Chuck turned and unimpressed he raised his eyebrow that man disintegrated!
61. rainey June 15th, 2009 at 16:04
  
  chuck norris CAN touch this
  
  chuck norris IS the meaning of life
  
  chuck norris CAN believe its not butter
  
  chuck norris can cry underwater, but he chooses not too
  
  Mother nature struck a thunder bolt at chuck norris once, so he roundhouse kicked her upside the head
  
  Every night before going to bed god prays too chuck norris
62. hali June 16th, 2009 at 12:16
  
  death once had a near-to-chuck-norris accadint! xD
  
  chuck norris is the reallllll reassonn waldo is a hideiinn! lol
63. LUI June 20th, 2009 at 06:34
  
  CHUCK NORRIS DOES NOT PRAY TO GOD, GOD PRAYS TO CHUCK NORRIS!!
64. James 11 June 20th, 2009 at 09:41
  
  Chuck Norris is the only man to make Clint Eastwood sweat.
65. AAAAROOOON June 24th, 2009 at 01:13
  
  chuck norris is a fat old man he can fuck off and die……he cant do shitttttttt
66. AAAAROOOON June 24th, 2009 at 01:14
  
  dan harmer can slam a revolving door!
67. AAAAROOOON June 24th, 2009 at 01:15
  
  jaspal can touch this!
68. dino clapp June 27th, 2009 at 09:44
  
  dino is fat, that’s because he ate chuck norris on top of 5 big Macs and 10 double whoopers!
69. Gem June 29th, 2009 at 13:11
  
  Chuck Norris once ejaculated into the engine of a semi-trailer, We now know this vehicle as Optimus Prime!
70. jtider July 2nd, 2009 at 22:23
  
  Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
71. Johnny Sauce July 9th, 2009 at 15:29
  
  Chuck Norris Farted and Australia shit the bed!
72. J Beval July 13th, 2009 at 15:02
  
  Monty Python are reforming and making a film called the Life of Chuck Norris
73. J Beval July 13th, 2009 at 15:04
  
  A stitch in Time Saves Nine, Chuck Norris saves 10
74. J Beval July 13th, 2009 at 15:10
  
  Chuck Norris eats yellow snow
  
  Chuck Norris Pi55es into the wind
  
  5 elements - Earth, Wind, Fire, Water and Chuck Norris
75. J Beval July 13th, 2009 at 15:13
  
  Just for the taste of it, Diet Coke. “I’ll round house kick you in the face for it” - Chuck Norris
76. chuckey boy July 18th, 2009 at 12:58
  
  they say under chuck norris’s beard he dos not have a chin only another fist
77. chuckey boy July 18th, 2009 at 13:03
  
  they say chuck norris made him self
78. Chuck Rules July 27th, 2009 at 14:26
  
  Fear is affraid of Chuck Norris
79. Meh. July 30th, 2009 at 13:32
  
  Chuck Norris is so hard he survived his own abortion
80. Benjypoo July 30th, 2009 at 16:10
  
  Chuck Norris can believe its butter
81. Benjypoo July 30th, 2009 at 16:10
  
  Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door!
82. Benjypoo July 30th, 2009 at 16:11
  
  when urinating chuck norris can weld mild steel!!!
83. I fucked your sister July 31st, 2009 at 15:50
  
  Anyone can piss on the floor, but chuck norris can shit on the ceiling
  
  yeeee heee
84. corndog August 13th, 2009 at 23:20
  
  With Chuck Norris, the price is always right
85. freak August 19th, 2009 at 23:58
  
  when chuck norris does a push-up he dont lift himself up u pushes the earth down
86. Jeff August 20th, 2009 at 12:50
  
  Chuck Norris doesn’t do push ups…He pushes the earth away…
87. Dooney August 30th, 2009 at 15:51
  
  Chuck Norris can connect 4 in 3 goes
  
  In Las Vegas there was a street named after Chuck Norris, 25 people die crossing that street because nobody crosses Chuck Norris
88. Eri September 13th, 2009 at 14:39
  
  Chuck Norris can crack his ears.
89. Lily September 15th, 2009 at 17:19
  
  Chuck norris cant be killed.Not even by chuck norris.
90. ghphantom September 16th, 2009 at 11:07
  
  deja vu is a sighn that chuck norris liked that moment so much he told time to play it again.
  
  it was once said that neo could dodge bullets but he cant dodge a roundhouse kick to the face from chuck norris
  
  why did the chicken cross the road…. because chuck norris told it to
91. vince newlin September 23rd, 2009 at 20:54
  
  chuck norris stared at richard simons and made him straight
92. Yaddy October 8th, 2009 at 06:04
  
  A giraffe was created because Chuck Norris uppercuted a horse.
93. martinez October 11th, 2009 at 16:54
  
  chuck norris’ daughter lost her virginity…. he got it bak
94. martinez October 11th, 2009 at 17:23
  
  When Chuck Norris ejactulates sperm doesn’t come out bullets do
95. XxBarbie21xX October 13th, 2009 at 05:35
  
  chuck norris knows where the beef is.
96. stclair October 30th, 2009 at 04:27
  
  there is not control button on chuck norris’ computer because he is always in control
97. arteneo November 2nd, 2009 at 23:33
  
  chuck noriss had a heart attck, his heart lost. a cobra bit chuck noris, soon after 5 days of excrutiating pain the cobra died. some kids piss thier name in snow, chuck pises his name throgh concrete. chuck doesnt pop his collar his shirt just gets erections from touching his body. jack was nimble jack was quik but jack could not doge chuck noris’s round house kick.if it looks like beef tastes like beef and feels like beef and chuck noris says its chicken then its fucking chicken.chuck noris doesnt sleep he waits. chuck doesnt read he stares at books until he gets the information he wants.graifes were created when chuck noris upper cutted a horse. chuk noris doesnt play hide and seek he plays hide and prey i dont find you. if you can see chuk noris he can see you but if you dont see him your only seconds away from death.
98. Alfdro November 4th, 2009 at 09:02
  
  chuck norris is so feared that when a cop pulls him over, the cop writes himself his own ticket.
99. Alfdro November 4th, 2009 at 09:04
  
  chuck norris is so mnly, he handles a bazooka like bb gun.
100. alefonso November 4th, 2009 at 09:06
  
  chuck norris is so bad ass, that he beat up the whole ufc and mma at the same time while reading his sunday newspaper
101. rarioz November 4th, 2009 at 09:11
  
  chuck norris is so popular, that he makes paris hilton take pictures of him.
102. rarioz November 4th, 2009 at 09:14
  
  chuck norris is so bad ass that he j’d michael jordan in a game 7 NBA Finals game with a second to go. and once he won the game he had a100x more championships then mj.
103. rarioz November 4th, 2009 at 09:16
  
  chuck norris is so bad ass that he got a shoe brand called air norris and beat air jordans in shoe sales! true story
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